Hi! I’m currently in a straight relationship and have always considered myself extra straight (guys are just not attractive).
However, a very long time ago, I was possibly sexually assaulted by a man (drugged, hung out in his room). I say possibly because I wanted him in that moment, and we tried to fuck each other but had issues getting it up (too many drugs I guess).
I’ve been fantasizing about it on and off ever since. The only person I’ve ever told was my therapist recently. He suggested I be open and avoid shaming myself (so maybe that’s part of this post). Something about being inside someone’s ass while they cum all over themselves, or someone inside me while I cum, is just very arousing.
I know I need to come out to my partner. First, though, I’d like to have a plan to deal with this fantasy. Are there healthy ways to explore this possible facet of my sexuality without, ya know, cheating?
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Short answer? No.
Doing sexual things with another person w/o the knowledge and consent of your partner is cheating. Kinda a full stop there.
There are relationship dynamics out there though, like Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), where as long as you and your partner have clear communication and boundaries, you could explore those interests.
I’ve lived a 100% monogamous life up until about a year ago. My wife and I had a lot of conversations and big emotional talks. I came out as potentially being Bi (spoiler alert, I am). She had some things to come out about as well. We both came to the realization that our relationship structure wasn’t working to meet both of our wants and needs.
We are now living more of a “Kitchen Table Poly” lifestyle. It just took trusting my partner and exposing my deepest hidden secrets to the person I love most.
There’s a lot of great literature out there about non-conforming relationships. One I’d recommend checking out is called The Relationship Escalator.
All this stuff takes a mountain of trust, communication, vulnerability and most of all, a desire for your partner to be happy.
Sorry if my response is all over the place. I’m pretty scattered today, but I’m happy to answer questions.
I appreciate the time you took!!
Yes agree on the cheating, not looking for that. I’ll have to check the book rec out, thank you!
What is a kitchen table poly lifestyle?
Kitchen Table Poly (KTP) it’s a type of Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) relationship where not only are all parties aware of the existence of each others partners, but everyone gets along well enough to sit together at the kitchen table like old friends and share a meal.
Some ENM relationships aren’t like that. Maybe one partner is good with the other having relations with others, but don’t want to know the people.
Another commenter mentioned about converting a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous being difficult. It sure is and not a lot of relationships survive. But they are magic when they do.
Bear in mind that taking a relationship that started monogamous and trying to make it non monogamous is probably going to be a mess.
If that happens, particularly in a long time relationship, it’s for reasons.
So, what are the other options? Silencing your desires/needs (ending up bitter and frustrated)? Cheating on your partner? Breaking up?
Each couple has its own mechanics, and there’s not a perfect solution that would work for everybody. But I think communication is not the worst path. I’ve seen much more couples torn apart by sexual frustration, cheating, lack of communication…
I should have been more specific. Communication should be the first step. Say how you feel and go from there together. Opening with “I wanna open the relationship” is a recipe for disaster. But even then, it’s no guarantee it’ll be smooth.
If you have permission it’s not cheating.
Hey so the cheating thing, I can’t speak to. I’m sorry about your bad sexual assault experience — I have similar, but less extreme, trauma in my own history, too.
I’m bisexual, and only recently have I started trying a bunch more stuff with guys to see what I like and don’t like. You can look at my post history to find the “what naughty fun” threads here in Ask Lemmy NSFW and my replies.
Personally yes, I’ve done exactly your fantasy a few times now, on both sides, and it’s really hot. My advice if you do get permission from your partner to experiment, is to sign up on an app like Scruff, and start only looking for other bisexual guys looking to experiment. You can also start by listing yourself as “side” and gradually work into trying new things without having hookups that expect penetration.
Learning more about yourself can be exciting and kind of scary. If you ever want to chat with another bi bro, reach out! I’m super open and happy to share, suggest, or empathize.
I’m bi, in an open relationship with a woman. Opening our relationship was the result of a long process, with a lot of communication.
We want to grow old together. And I don’t want to take the risk of falling in love with someone else, so I looked for something purely sexual, with no feelings or bonds. The solution for me is gay saunas.
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They are safe places. In my country, gays have been ambushed after a fake date on an Grindr-like apps.
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Guys are explicitly here to have sex, without useless talking. The body language is sufficient and pretty obvious.
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Everyone respects consent of their partners (in your situation, you may want to stop everything when things start).
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Guys are clean (there are showers), there’s free condoms, lub, and so forth.
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If you get turned on by the thought of a dude banging you in the butt, congratulations, you’re gay. Your therapist is right, stop shaming yourself.
How to do it without cheating? Don’t do it unless your girl is cool with it, or don’t be with her. Simple as.
He’s in the process of (maybe) coming out as bisexual.
I don’t think you meant it that way, but bi guys especially have to deal with everyone assuming they’re closeted homosexuals. So when you say “you’re gay” it’s inaccurate and a little hurtful.
On the flip side, bi women struggle with everyone assuming they’re just “experimenting” and are actually straight.