I learned a lot about life through all that mess though.
I’d forgive her, she’d do it again. She’d say she loved me, then sit up in the bed in the middle of the night and say, “I just don’t love you anymore.” The chaos would start again. I’d go crash with my mom, she’d ask me to come back, then she’d make me leave again after a week or so. This dragged on for about 3 years. The last time I was driving her to work, leaned in to kiss her, seen a mark on her neck. I rolled out, she was fine with that. I met someone else, she lost her damn mind. Ended up being committed, finally settled down with the last guy she cheated with, was diagnosed with breast cancer and died at 33.
Fortunately for her, he is a great dude. He took care of her and stayed by her side through all of that hell. He still maintains an active role in my daughter’s life and he doesn’t have to do that. She’s there now actually. She’s been there for a couple weeks.
I learned that I have control over nothing. Every aspect of my life is one moment away from pure chaos and destruction, so I’m thankful for what I have while I have it. Nothing is promised, nothing is permanent. I find meaning and comfort in exactly this moment and I’m ok with that. When the hard times come, I will survive them until I eventually don’t. That is reality for all of us, I’m not special, and anyone who finds me special will find me special for a time. Believe it or not, I have peace.
It’s crazy. She was my meaning for so long. I started seeing her when she was 14 (lied and said she was 15) and I was just about to turn 18. The final split happened when she was 30 and I was 34.
It’s funny. She told me she was moving in with me when she turned 18. She did. She packed her bags and came to stay. About 3 days in I got a call at work, “If you don’t bring my daughter home, you and your roommate are going to jail.” I stupidly replied, “Well, she’s 18 so you can kiss my ass.” Her mother was abusive as hell, or so she said. The girl couldn’t tell the truth, seriously. I learned to take everything she said with a grain of salt and loved her any way. Everywhere she went she had some big story though. Anyway, I hung up the phone and less than a minute later it rang again, “I don’t know what Miss Lie About Everything told you, but she just turned 17. Bring her home or go to jail.”
I confronted her, “I’m so sorry, I was just so into you and I knew you wouldn’t be interested if I told you the truth, and what’s one year? At this point I was too embarrassed and I didn’t know what to do. I hoped she just wouldn’t care that I was gone.” (Which is an indicator that her stories of abuse were true).
A couple months later I had forgiven her, a year later she packed her bags and came again.
Her mom and grandma showed up and tried to get her to leave. Right to my face her mom said, “He’s worthless honey. Is this the life you want?” Her grandma chimed in, “Please come home. We love you so much.”
She stayed. Nearly 15 years, not counting the time we spent close before that. I literally didn’t believe she’d ever cheat. I was special her. I meant something. I really didn’t think she’d do it.
But she did.
Somehow I’m doing better than ever despite all of that chaos. I’m with someone that I really get along with, someone who I love to go out of my way for. It’s a whole different world. I hope she never leaves, but if she does, I know I’ll make it.
Sucks don’t it?
I learned a lot about life through all that mess though.
I’d forgive her, she’d do it again. She’d say she loved me, then sit up in the bed in the middle of the night and say, “I just don’t love you anymore.” The chaos would start again. I’d go crash with my mom, she’d ask me to come back, then she’d make me leave again after a week or so. This dragged on for about 3 years. The last time I was driving her to work, leaned in to kiss her, seen a mark on her neck. I rolled out, she was fine with that. I met someone else, she lost her damn mind. Ended up being committed, finally settled down with the last guy she cheated with, was diagnosed with breast cancer and died at 33.
Fortunately for her, he is a great dude. He took care of her and stayed by her side through all of that hell. He still maintains an active role in my daughter’s life and he doesn’t have to do that. She’s there now actually. She’s been there for a couple weeks.
I learned that I have control over nothing. Every aspect of my life is one moment away from pure chaos and destruction, so I’m thankful for what I have while I have it. Nothing is promised, nothing is permanent. I find meaning and comfort in exactly this moment and I’m ok with that. When the hard times come, I will survive them until I eventually don’t. That is reality for all of us, I’m not special, and anyone who finds me special will find me special for a time. Believe it or not, I have peace.
There’s a thin line between anguished despair and nihilistic optimism.
A thin, intentional line.
It can be alluded to, highlighted, charted, and otherwise discussed ad-infinitum, but it’s damn near impossible to lead another to.
Only have one comment to read (and I’m sorry how much it cost) but it looks like you’re at peace indeed.
Kudos to you, but remember you can backslide in acceptance and working back out is okay too!
Sorry for all involved. But yeah, we all just… Exist. We choose to make meaning for ourselves, if we want to.
It’s crazy. She was my meaning for so long. I started seeing her when she was 14 (lied and said she was 15) and I was just about to turn 18. The final split happened when she was 30 and I was 34.
It’s funny. She told me she was moving in with me when she turned 18. She did. She packed her bags and came to stay. About 3 days in I got a call at work, “If you don’t bring my daughter home, you and your roommate are going to jail.” I stupidly replied, “Well, she’s 18 so you can kiss my ass.” Her mother was abusive as hell, or so she said. The girl couldn’t tell the truth, seriously. I learned to take everything she said with a grain of salt and loved her any way. Everywhere she went she had some big story though. Anyway, I hung up the phone and less than a minute later it rang again, “I don’t know what Miss Lie About Everything told you, but she just turned 17. Bring her home or go to jail.”
I confronted her, “I’m so sorry, I was just so into you and I knew you wouldn’t be interested if I told you the truth, and what’s one year? At this point I was too embarrassed and I didn’t know what to do. I hoped she just wouldn’t care that I was gone.” (Which is an indicator that her stories of abuse were true).
A couple months later I had forgiven her, a year later she packed her bags and came again.
Her mom and grandma showed up and tried to get her to leave. Right to my face her mom said, “He’s worthless honey. Is this the life you want?” Her grandma chimed in, “Please come home. We love you so much.”
She stayed. Nearly 15 years, not counting the time we spent close before that. I literally didn’t believe she’d ever cheat. I was special her. I meant something. I really didn’t think she’d do it.
But she did.
Somehow I’m doing better than ever despite all of that chaos. I’m with someone that I really get along with, someone who I love to go out of my way for. It’s a whole different world. I hope she never leaves, but if she does, I know I’ll make it.
Take care bud.