I feel for you man. Life is hard sometimes and I often find myself wondering if it’s worth it. Why do we bring new life into this world with a strong chance they’re not going to enjoy it? Especially with the downward trend we seem to be going through.
I think many western societies have lost their community culture and we let so many people fall through the cracks to be forgotten about and really struggle. Which is where I guess you are now.
I wish we did things better, and there was more care to go around for everyone. I wish we didn’t need to be working most of our waking hours primarily for the benefit of a rich minority. I wish we didn’t have to deal with the pointlessness of existence and the many pains we inevitably go through in our lives. But, here we are. There aren’t many good options other than to figure out how to enjoy some of it.
You’ve said you will never love yourself and you don’t want anything other than a female companion and children. I think that’s the depression talking. My suggestion is to talk to someone about it, when you can bring yourself to do so. Preferably a professional, but talk to whoever you can that’s not random strangers on the internet. We don’t really know anything about you so you’re not going to get anything concrete here. I’m hoping this is just one of your steps of reaching out and overcoming this situation.
Sometimes it’s not so easy to fire up a GUI, like when you ssh into another machine.