Hi everyone, I am in my early thirties and have been dealing with something that has brought me a lot of shame and frustration.

I am still a virgin.

Putting my thoughts into words on this has been really hard, because for the past fifteen, even twenty years, I have internalized the feeling of being unattractive and a failed man (there are other factors for this, but those parts of my life are slowly getting back on track.) Also, I’ve had a lot of hostility on Reddit when I’ve tried to reach out on there in the past, so the motivation to really type this isn’t there.

I don’t want to reveal too much about myself, but I’ll try to explain my thoughts as best I can.

My primary and secondary school years sucked. Being autistic made me an easy target for bullies and I was picked on a lot by boys and girls alike. Girls would flirt with me or come on to me as a joke, then laugh in my face (or worse) if I took them seriously. One classmate took things so far that she went on a year-long harassment campaign of calling me a creep and telling me to kill myself.

Sixth form and university were my quiet years. I made temporary friends in both places but I keep in touch with virtually nobody. The girls I interacted with during those years seemed stuck-up and had no interest in even talking to me as a friend. I don’t know if it’s a thing about British women, or just the overall vibe at my uni, but I just get really frigid vibes.

Don’t even get me started on online dating. As a man, you cannot even get matches or replies unless you look like Ryan Gosling, and it is disheartening to have nearly every single one of your messages ignored, even in the modern days where every dating app is a Tinder clone and now requires you to mutually match to send a message. The worst one nowadays is Okcupid, where I realised that the only matches I even get are women on the other side of the world who blatantly falsify their location in the search for a Western husband and the means to a spousal visa.

I have had dates before, but about half of them she’s made excuses to bail and then blocked/unmatched/ghosted me afterwards, and it’s not like I knowingly did anything creepy.

I’ve also had girlfriends before, but I’ve only even kissed one of them. Two were LDR’s that fell apart the moment we closed the gap (of the two, one was a Chinese lady who my German friend tried to set me up with, the other was a Japanese girl who in retrospect was using me for English practice and help with her student visa.) Of the two that were in my country: one used me for my money and cheated on me, and the one that I did kiss we broke up because of the distance and the fact that our personalities just clashed (I was attracted to her but much of the time it felt like I was talking to a brick wall.)

My birthday is in a few weeks and I’ve debated on whether to pay a hooker to take my virginity (I’d likely go abroad for this. Prostitution is technically legal here but a lot of stuff associated with the sex industry isn’t.) I don’t want to end up in my forties not knowing what sex feels like.

The main reason I’m even considering this is because I’m fed up of trying to date people. My past experiences have left me feeling aromantic, but it feels like even the rare few women who are open to hookups wouldn’t go near me with a barge pole.

Am I doing all of this wrong? I have tried numerous things:

  • Dating apps: Okcupid, POF, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Happn, Tinder, Bumble. Name the app and I’ve most likely used it. Most of them are owned by the exact same company and are just a different brand of snake oil anyway.
  • Asking friends if they know single women they can introduce me to. Only once has this actually happened.
  • Meeting women at work. I work fully remote now so this ain’t really an option, and even in the pre-COVID days, nearly every female colleague was not single.
  • Going to singles meetups. Last one I went to was a sausage fest and the only lady who I did speak to was a woman in her fifties with a wedding ring on her.
  • Changing the way I look and dress. I tried multiple styles of clothing, hairstyles, etc. I get short bursts of motivation to hit the gym and at one point spent a few months going through bro split and PPL split routines, sometimes going 4+ days a week.
  • rufus@discuss.tchncs.de
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    1 year ago

    Well, I’ve heard over and over, online dating sucks for everyone. And the constant stream of rejection is taking a mental toll on male participants. Just be aware of that.

    And I think it’s also more difficult in your 30s. Most of my friends are in longterm relationships by now and are having kids. When I was 20, many were single and the pool of potential hookups was much bigger.

    And you mention being autistic. I’m sure superficial things like online dating are rigged against you, because people who are different from an expectation get eliminated quicker, the more superficial it is.

    So if you really want a partner, make sure to have lots of patience.

    One thing I’d like to add to your list is/are societies. And meeting people where you do your hobbies. This can include anything from meeting people during sports activities like mountain biking / tennis, to volunteering somewhere. You might want to balance this a bit. Some places are more sausage fest than others, but if you manage to meet a woman there, she’s unlikely to be superficial. And you already have a hobby in common.

    Other than that, go to concerts, parties …

    Regarding sex: You might want to separate looking for a partner and looking for a hookup for sex. These are two entirely different things. There are different Apps that specialize in connecting people for one or the other. But don’t mix it up or people will get disappointed because expectations are different.

    There are also special parties just for sex, swinger clubs etc. And just paying someone for sex is also a valid approach.

    • Outset2568@lemmynsfw.comOP
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      1 year ago

      I think online dating apps are meant to be soul destroying by design. Finding success is bad for business because it means you’ll delete the app and won’t get suckered in to paying the same cost of several MMO subscriptions for premium.

      What hookup apps exist for straight people? Only one I’m aware of is Adult Friend Finder and I’ve heard that one is pretty expensive and seems shady as fuck.

      I have considered looking at sex/swinger parties but wouldn’t know how to go looking for them. I also thought swinger communities would only be for existing couples looking to open up their relationship, not single people.

      • rufus@discuss.tchncs.de
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        1 year ago

        You’re right. I haven’t thought about it like that. But makes sense. Maximum profit is somewhere inbetween losing their customers by giving them what they want and losing them because customers hate that ineffective app.

        Unfortunately I don’t know either. I don’t have the slightest idea how people do it and what kinds of apps they use. Seems easy for some people. I’m not one of them.

        Regarding the sex/swinger parties: You’re right. It’s easy for couples and single women but difficult for single men. I haven’t been to one. Kinda always wanted to be brave enough to see what it is about. My idea would be to talk to someone organizing it. They have to teach new people how to behave anyways etc. I bet they are open and transparent people.