I’m aware the premise makes no sense.
Over the years I’ve been in and out of therapy. In my teens I had a serious enough depression to necessitate medication to somehow level me, a few years after that I went back because I felt I wanted to unpack a few things from my early years, after that I went back to pick up on the work I left behind, after that I went back to try to find a way to cope with the eminent loss of someone very dear to me and very recently I went back because I felt the need to give it another try to unpack a lot of wrongs in my head.
Unfortunately, every single time, as I try to go back and pick on the process - and I feel the need to stress that I’ve been received by multiple professionals over the years - I’m always directed, more or less openly, not towards what I want to resolve but towards something completely unrelated. And no, I am not a professional in mental health but I think I am minimally qualified to know what I think/understand is bothering me and want to explore and try to find a solution/rationalisation for so I can drop that issue or at least drop it in value in my mind so I can move forward.
Instead, my concerns have constantly been ignored or overlooked and all type of approaches been tried to deviate me, as such:
- hypnosis (went horribly wrong)
- cognitive and behavioural shift (as in “You are acting/feeling/thinking wrong.”)
- completely ignoring my concerns
- openly antagonising me
- a very veiled attempt to create in me a notion of “faith in a higher power” (I’m laic)
The last approach is to try to teach me how to meditate.
I have always been received by licensed professionals, two of them through my NHS; no spiritual counsellors nor anything in the like.
I’ve been able to make more breakthroughs by reading philosophy books than by sitting in a chair and talking back and forth with a therapist. But I always get the feeling that I really need some degree of counselling I am not getting.
Am I being paranoid, unlucky or just expecting something that isn’t at all aligned with reality?
I’m sorry you had those experiences. That’s not fair. Those are NOT descriptions of helpful therapy.
Do you have a guess on what has contributed toward your symptoms? Very broadly here, nature (e.g., bipolar type 1) vs nurture (e.g., grew up in dysfunctional family)? If you have traumatic symptoms, have you considered a therapist specializing in trauma?
This sounds like bad luck. It’s not you!
The list is too long and extensive - and sincerely too private - but the issues I feel the need to clarify revolve around how I interact with the world and the need I have to understand why I act and why hurt as I do. Some things go way back, some are recent. Everything is an event that contributed to force me to adapt in order to survive. Some tools I developed are useful, some have ceased to be useful and others are just hindrances I need to get rid of. Having people either ignore what I intend to explore and understand or outright try to tell me I can just ignore those things and move on does not work.
But the bad luck streak seems to be dragging too long.
Therapy (if we talk about talk therapy with a psychologist) is difficult, and takes a very highly trained and skillful person many many sessions to get a breakthrough. As sad as that sounds, these qualities make it expensive, and thus only available to those who have money or have access to a system that provides it (for which in most places you need to be a very severe case).
My impression is that it’s quite normal for a patient going in completely oblivious about the nature of their issues. If I were you, I wouldn’t expect the therapist to directly address the issue that I name as my top concern. I would expect them to start learning about me, finding out who am I and what my life was like, then identify the issue we need to work on, then gently lead me to discover it for myself. To put it bluntly, if you knew your issue, you wouldn’t need this type of therapy.
Having said that, it is very important to be able to trust your therapist and feel that you are in good hands, and it can take a few tries to find someone who works.
Meditation, exercise and sleep are very very helpful for mental health, but may not be all you need. Still, it’s good to make progress on these fronts as well, won’t hurt. I wish you good luck and I hope you will find the help you need. It took me years of trying different approaches and things before I found a therapist who helped. The issue that I was seeking help for during all those years, was a surface level symptom and had nothing to do with my real issues.