Someone had an amazing time!

I remember you saying about a fwb in another thread - was that the same fwb? I’m glad you had that choice, and I’m so glad to hear that you guys are still close. Incredibly wholesome!

This is such a cool and sweet story! I’m so glad things worked out for you!

Thank you! Thank you!

I can now add to my CV that I made a man laugh, cry, and pop a boner at the same time.

Try beating that one, future candidates of checks notes software developers 😎😎😎😎

So I’ll be completely honest - my first time was with an escort. If you want to read the story about my virginity hijinx, then read on ahead. Otherwise, you are more than welcome to skip and/or pass judgement at me.

It was proper shady too - the lady looked nothing like her online profile (she looks like a fat old woman, and her profile seems to suggest she is in her 20s), and I didn’t realise I could walk away. That, and at this point I was 31 and desperate to get laid. I pay this lady for 1 hour of her time - please stick a mental pin in it.

So I go into the room she wants me to go into. It is dark af. At this point I’m like “huh, this is how I die. Never could’ve forseen this”

Then the escort with a thick Russian accent told me to take my clothes off. I was so nervous, I stupidly said “all of it??” as if I can have sex in my boxer shorts. Of course she told me to take off the boxer shorts too.

So I’m standing up, butt naked and she’s fiddling my todger like she’s trying to crack a safe. This isn’t going so well.

Next thing, I’m instructed to be on all fours on the bed, bum facing her. She then proceeds to give me a blowjob. A bit weird, but whatever - I’m getting my dick sucked. todaywasagoodday.mp3

Next thing I know, this weird, moist feeling occurs around my butthole. Oh my god. THIS LADY IS RIMMING ME. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS, LIKE AT ALL!!

It felt so weird to have my salad tossed, but honestly it was fucking amazing. This is turning out to be one hell of a first time experience!!

She then tells me to lie down, and then says we are having sex. FINALLY!! What I came here to do! But then she asks me quite possibly the worst question I could hear from an escort.

“Condom or raw?”

I literally blanked for a moment because I was like “wait, no, that’s illegal” until my dumb-dumb brain made me realise no, that shit isn’t illegal, and not only that, but many other guys have diddled her raw and have been spreading god-knows-what.

Since at this point I’m so close to getting laid, I just say “condom” and she puts on a condom and then fucking sits on my dick.

It had got to be the weirdest sensation. I didn’t know what to expect, and I was already a bit conflicted, so my dick may not have been as hard as I was expecting, but it just felt like a space station entering the vast cosmos of space. I felt like my member was so insignificant in comparison to the lady. If anything, I probably walked away thinking my dick was microscopic.

Eventually I start thrusting up (I am a spaceman wanting to explore the cosmos, after all). At this point she is clearly fed up with me thrusting into her and tells me to go missionary.

So I go missionary. All I can say is if there was anyone watching through some secret camera or something, I am so sorry. What you saw was a man flopping around like a fish out of water. I now know sex isn’t exactly dignified, but holy crap that could not look less dignified.

And then I came, the escort told me my time was up and that I needed to shower. Did the shower and left. Checked my watch, and I had only been there for 15 mins.

For those who care about my sex life, I have visited escorts - or should I say I’ve visited one escort that I immensely trust for over a year now. Admittedly, life has been exciting where dating, sex, and escorts are no longer playing the big part, but I’m sure pretty soon it will.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Ah man, that’s a shame. At least you haven’t completely said goodbye! From your descriptions, I actually would like to meet him myself, who knows - maybe get some fun in!

I’ve spent time in the gym and I have to say the dudes who are extremely muscular more often than not are dealing with some really personal shit that, instead of resolving with therapy, are just building muscle and then getting body dysmorphia in the process. I’m not surprised he is so weird, but it’s still a shame - everyone deserves a shot at happiness!

Clearly this is something that should be put in the adverts:

Great for exercise and bedroom bondage!

It sounds naughtier than the reality: Reading the manual, looking at what I’ve assembled, then swearing out loud for 5 mins, then telling myself “it’s OK, it’ll come out OK in the end”

And what do you know? It does come out looking good in the end (except for the IKEA cabinet, which has a weird gap where you can see the Blurays and whatnot, but I’ve drilled and pounded on enough wood.

🥰🥰🥰🥰

WE MUST PROTECT MADDIE + GF AT ALL COSTS!!

Sucks that the hookups got crappier towards the end, but to be fair, you’ve had plenty of fun so far, so it hasn’t been all bad!

That power bottom sounds cute af though. He definitely sounds like a keeper!

Also, I hope you don’t mind me saying, but the muscular dude sounds super weird. Like, who the hell hates hands on cock?? How does he use a urinal?!??!?

Honestly 100% can relate.

Aayyyy! Glad the Maddie adventures continue!!

Well, congrats on getting yourself out there!

Honestly I’ve been quite crap at this too, so I can’t really give any useful advice. But yes, just best to enjoy yourself as much as possible - even if it’s just for Halloween decorations!

Wow! 4 times!??! That’s crazy!!

I guess we could give ideas, but we don’t know your (approx) location. Mine is in London, and personally I don’t know really many areas for public sex (although tbh I’ve never really tried it).

Hopefully you’ll get your public acts of sex soon!

Haha aww, this is sweet!

Not sure about biting, but I love being kissed on the neck. I may be like “hurr durr I’m a man, well 'ard, innit” but kiss me on the neck and you can probably get my credit card details off me…

Wow! That must’ve been pretty cool (but also pretty difficult to get hard for obvious reasons!)

Me, not too much. Still building furniture in my house. Unless building furniture is naughty fun then wow yeah I’ve been having all the fun 😂

Ah man! 😒

I had that this week too! I have PagerDuty, and it’s so bloody annoying when it goes off,

Glad you managed to have some fun and that the alerts wasn’t anything serious!

You sound like you’re living the life! So happy to hear this relationship is still progressing!! 🥰