TouchMacaque

I think I’m too old to understand this

My barber named Greg told me he started micro dosing Viagra 3x a day so that he is always risen. I told him that’s probably not good for his heart but he says having a constant boner gives him the self confidence to be a professional beatboxer.

Cum

My midwife was telling me she went camping inside the goatse guys asshole once and there was plenty of room for her tent and plenty of gas for having a fire. She said the hikes weren’t great though, too mucky and stinky. She said next time she’ll bring boots but I think he died so there’s no more goatse camping excursions.

She used to put coffee beans in my asshole but then I asked her to stop and she stopped.

All of them, they’re all so wonderful

Every year on Valentine’s Day my neighbor’s husband has been asking to borrow some bike chain lubricant, I know he uses it as lube to masturbate but I don’t mind because everyone needs a little love on Valentine’s Day.

This all changed 2 Valentine’s days ago when he started asking for treadmill lubricant and I told him I don’t have a treadmill but he insisted I give him treadmill lubricant, he held a machete to my throat and told me to drive to the nearest gym and break into the maintenance closet to get some of that sweet sweet treadmill lube. Well I refused and he killed me, I spent 4 days getting my head sewn back on by an army vet that happened to be at the gym so I was very thankful.

Since then, every Valentine’s Day I squirt a little bit of treadmill lubricant on my neck scars in his honour.

Yeah

The last time my brother’s aunt got COVID she told us she cured it by putting candy corn in her asshole. After that she started doing it every day as if they were multivitamins but she was diabetic so she fell into a coma and eventually died, this was 8 years ago so I have no idea how the hell she got COVID in the first place. Rest in peace Gary-Ann.